Can I Hold You?
by KinkyWings
Summary: "Can I just…hold you?" For one, terrible second, the silence was so heavy that Alec thought that Magnus was going to kick him out. But then, the warlock turned on his side, his expression revealing all of the same longing and adoration. "You never have to ask." Post 2x20.


Can I Hold You?

Alec could not believe how wonderful it felt to be home.

Magnus lowered his wards, opened the doors to his apartment and let him inside as if nothing had changed. Being allowed back inside, not having doors slammed in his face or requests to leave, made Alec's heart swell with gratitude.

The space was exactly how Alec remembered, and yet completely different at the same time. The smell was still distinctly that of cinnamon, spice, and Magnus' cologne. Chairman Meow still rubbed up against his legs demanding attention. And yet, the pictures from the photobooth in Japan were no longer displayed on the mirror. The blanket they used to share during long nights on the couch was conveniently folded and buried in a pile of a dozen others. The liquor collection seemed to be smaller, as if it had sustained a serious loss. Despite his best attempts to remain unaffected, it looked as if Magnus had not been coping with their separation well either.

They had won the war, Valentine was dead, the Downworld was safe, and Alec had managed to convince the person he loved most in the world to give him a second chance. It was the perfect ending, better than any Alec ever could have asked for. So then why did he still feel an overwhelming sense of foreboding? Like he was standing in the eye of a storm and this glimmer of happiness was the moment's reprieve before the real devastation struck.

"After the day we've had, I could use a drink. Care for one?" Magnus asked, shedding his overcoat and heading over to the bar.

"I had enough at the party," Alec declined.

He stood back and watched as Magnus distracted himself with decanters and crystal glasses of colorful liquids. There was no rhyme or reason to which ones he chose, but soon the warlock turned around, drink in hand, and Alec sucked in a breath.

It was red. Bright red.

Red like blood soaked into the sand. Red like the chasm that went _down, down, down_ into hell. Red like the magic that licked across Magnus' fingers as he frantically worked faster to close the portal. Red like the eyes of the winged demon that got far too close, close enough to count rows upon rows of sharp jagged teeth and Magnus was counting on Alec to keep them safe and he was _failing_ -

"Everything alright?" Magnus asked with concern, drawing Alec from his nightmares. It was only then that Alec realized that he had begun to shake, fine tremors racking his body as Magnus came close enough to run fingers soothingly through his dark hair.

"No..." Alec confessed.

He wrapped himself around the warlock and held him tight, burying his face in the silk of Magnus' shirt. Perhaps tighter than necessary, but Alec needed to know Magnus was real, that this was real, and he wasn't imagining it. That he wasn't going to wake up and find that this was some dream and everyone he loved was really dead. That Jace was dead. That Magnus was -

"Talk to me," Magnus encouraged, pulling back ever so slightly so that he could get a better look at Alec. The Shadowhunter looked like he was in so much pain…All Magnus wanted to do was help share the burden. "No more secrets."

They both had things they needed to work on, and as much as it pained Alec, his was honesty. Both honesty to himself and to Magnus. If they were going to move forward, he needed to take this leap and open up about his fears. Regardless, the crushing feeling of loss was bound to drown him if he kept it bottled up for much longer.

"We won. Valentine is dead and yet, it doesn't seem real. I can't shake this feeling that there is something out there waiting to tear us apart."

Even now, his senses were on overdrive. Even with the wards up, every sound, every creak in the apartment set Alec on edge. Every siren that passed by, every whoosh of an airplane, triggered alarms in his mind. It was as if he could not slow his brain, as if he could not turn the warrior off, constantly stuck in a battle that had long since ended. Or had it?

"The Circle has been destroyed, the Angel put to rest, and you said yourself that the demons had vanished from all radar," Magnus reminded gently, trying to shed a positive light on the situation.

"I know, I know what I said it's just - " Alec cut himself off, frustrated. He hadn't even been thinking of the demons, but now he was thanks to that. "I can't help but feel like this is all going to get taken away…like last time."

 _That Magnus was just going to walk away again._

The words did not have to be spoken for both men to get the meaning.

"Hey," Magnus coaxed Alec to meet his eyes which were shining with unshed tears. "I'm not going anywhere. I was wrong to do so before, I can see that now. Never again."

Alec nodded and let out a tense breath, slightly content with that response. But the uneasiness hadn't settled. Not by a long shot. The nervous energy still buzzed throughout his body, causing him to move away from Magnus and start pacing.

"Losing Jace...that pain...it was unbearable. Unlike anything else I've ever experienced."

"Alexander..." Magnus said, his voice unbearably soft as the warlock recalled his own distress at seeing Alec in such agony. With all his power and clout, Magnus was unable to do anything to ease Alec's suffering, completely useless as he was forced to sit and hold the man he loved as he writhed on the ground.

"More than that, it…it put things into perspective. I told you that I didn't think I could live without you, and I mean it," Alec confessed, his words breaking Magnus' heart into little pieces. He wanted to reach out, wanted to hold Alec and let him know that he was very much alive, but refrained. Alec needed to get this out, and Magnus was not going to let himself get in the way of that, no matter how much it hurt. "You-you could have died tonight. Valentine raised the Angel. He could have killed all Downworlders and our last words to one another would have been in anger and I would have had to live with that for the rest of my life - live without _you_ for the rest of my life. I'm not like you, Magnus. I don't have centuries of experience to fall back on. I'm mortal. I just have this one life and I - I can't feel that way again. I don't think I could survive losing someone else that I love. I can't bear it. And I know th-that I messed up - I messed _us_ up, and I'm sorry. Magnus... I am so sor-"

Alec was gently silenced with a ringed finger to his lips, such a familiar gesture that he almost gave into the overwhelming urge to laugh and cry all at once.

"The only one who should be apologizing is me," Magnus insisted. "I was hurting when I found out about the Soul Sword, so I lashed out by being unnecessarily cruel towards you, and while I stand by my original decision to protect the Downworld, I think my words did more damage than I originally thought."

There was a pause, one where Magnus blinked back tears and reached up to frame Alec's face in his hands as if he were as delicate as glass.

"Forgive me, Alexander, and believe me when I tell you it brought me no pleasure to shut you out. All I said, all I did, were the actions of a leader trying to do right by his people just as you were trying to do right by yours. I was backed into a deal with the Seelie Queen thinking I had no other options, but my anger blinded me from the one option I'd had all along: _you._ My incredibly compassionate, brave, _sexy_ Shadowhunter."

The bit of flirtation at the end had both of them smiling, a timid hope blossoming between them.

How different that last word sounded now in comparison to how Magnus had spat it earlier that day. How much love and adoration flooded into each syllable, erasing the memory of previous disgust and disdain. It made Alec's heart lurch in his chest, a hand reaching up to gently grasp one of Magnus' wrists and hold him close.

"It's like you said. We were both trying to do what we thought was right," Alec said, voice thick with emotion he was still trying to tamp down.

"And both of us were spectacularly wrong," Magnus concluded wryly. "I would say there's something poetic in that."

Alec was inclined to agree. He tilted his head downward, and Magnus surged up to meet him in a kiss. The way the warlock's lips moved made Alec weak in the knees, a desperate noise building in the back of his throat as the Shadowhunter realized how much he missed this, how badly he needed this. Without Magnus, without his love, Alec felt like his entire world was spinning off-kilter. Now, it felt like some direction had been restored, like this was not the eye of the storm, but the very last of it.

A moment later, Magnus pulled away from their embrace entirely, giving himself space to yawn and stretch out painfully sore limbs. It wasn't until Alec found himself doing the same, eyelids suddenly feeling like they were made of lead as they struggled to remain open, that he realized how exhausted he was.

"It's been a long day for everyone. Why don't we just try to get some rest, hmm?"

Alec did not have to be told twice, and let Magnus lead him by the hand to their room.

They paused in the doorway, looking upon luxurious crimson sheets with hesitation. So much was still unsure between them. They weren't as confident in their movements, unsure of how to navigate the bedroom, even more unsure than their first time. The plush mattress dipped under Alec's weight as he sat on the edge of his side of the bed. It was just as comfortable as he remembered, much more appealing than the rocks the Institute passed off as beds.

Both of them lied down fully clothed save for shoes placed near the door and Alec's leather jacket hanging on a hook on the back of the door. Magnus had not even rid himself of his waistcoat, the fabric shimmering dully in streaks of light that filtered through closed curtains. They both still felt the need to protect themselves. Magnus was not as comfortable trusting Alec with his insecurities as he once had, and Alec was afraid of Magnus seeing the iratze drawn just above his heart.

Still, it was awkward to be so close yet so far. Alec wanted nothing more than to roll over and pull Magnus to him, but he was not sure if that was allowed, if that was wanted. He reminded himself that he was grateful just to be back in Magnus' life, to have this second chance with the man he loved more than anything in the world. And yet, the longer Alec stayed away, the further he drifted from Magnus. It was as if the space between them was an ocean he could not cross, and his only chance at salvation was drifting further and further from reach.

Magnus' spine was rigid, his posture stiff as he laid on his side. Alec could tell that this arrangement was uncomfortable for him as well. Alec bit down on his lip, unable to restrain himself any longer.

"Can I just…hold you?"

For one, terrible second, the silence was so heavy that Alec thought that Magnus was going to kick him out. But then, the warlock turned on his side, his expression revealing all of the same longing and adoration.

"You never have to ask."

Magnus practically melted into Alec's embrace, all the rigidity he once held seeping from his bones. He wrapped his arms around Alec's waist, nudging a knee between the Shadowhunter's legs as they intertwined bodies. Alec's chin went to rest on top of Magnus' head, the warlock curled so that he had an ear to Alec's chest, counting the steady thumps of his heartbeat. It was such a soothing sound, much like the sound of Alec's snores. Magnus smiled to himself as he realized that he would be graced by that noise in the morning, thinking of nothing sweeter to wake up to.

"I've missed this. I've missed us," Alec mumbled, half-asleep and half-muffled by Magnus' hair.

"Me too," Magnus replied, giving Alec's hand a squeeze, admiring how perfectly those long, slender fingers fit alongside his own ringed ones.

"I love you."

"And I love you," Magnus said in turn, tipping his head up to place a chaste kiss on the Shadowhunter's lips before snuggling back into his chest. "Goodnight, Alexander."

They would have plenty of time to sort more of their issues in the morning. Tonight...tonight was about healing, and for the first time in a week, neither had any problem falling asleep.


End file.
